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I’m back!

Well, not really. I wasn’t even away in the first place. Just busy with school stuff — microprocessors project, several reports and presentations, and don’t forget EASE@Haven too. I was also busy with preparing my mom’s school into IT goodness, and we started by getting more computers (computers that are actually faster in processing than mine). To add things up, if you’d see one of my previous posts, I posted an update to that, telling that I’ll be barely posting here if this thing happens.

And thus the title. I’m back because it failed.

Yeah, and it happened just now. Look! It’s just the requirements elicitation phase! And I already failed there! Unbelievable. I’m having this feeling that I’m supposed to be laughing hysterically to what just happened, and the feeling of the need to spiritually die, all mixed up in one gigantic package. Of course, I wouldn’t consider the latter; laughing like you’re one crazy guy in a mental hospital might make me more of an idiot, but at least it’s harmless. And I won’t have to do anything stupid after that, like, deleting this site from the depths of the earth Internet. And to think that this happened every year since the last five years. It’s really interesting, to be honest.

I really wanted to talk about stuff like this, but before I go ranting off about how insanely happy I am right now, or blog about whether that statement has sarcasm or not, let’s just stop it right there. Not because it’s interesting, non-boring stuff that would make me the laughing stock of all the lucky guys out there, but because I just don’t feel like posting stuff like that. Let’s just try not to turn this one into a dating blog, okay? Okay. (Oh yeah, someone named Enrico posted a comment in one of my posts concerning my previous situation. Well, I’ve done it, and I got the consequences. You don’t have to sympathize over my failures, but thanks anyway.)

For the site front, all I did is the About page, for now. As you can see, my life is uneventful as it is. I can see the hint of schadenfreude across all of my visitors’ faces right now. Hahaha.

Update: I’m not mad, angry or anything at all. I promise. I’m the most resilient person in the world.

Update 2: Just a follow-up on the site front — I’ve upgraded my WordPress to the latest version, 2.6. The added features are great, although I probably won’t be enabling the Turbo thing here.

How “School Days” and “Higurashi” can change my life.

Okay, so these are anime. One of the best, actually, but the main reason why I think these will change my life is not because they are the best, or that they depict my actual situation. (Actual situation is soooo far from it, I cannot emphasize it enough.) But before I state my reason, let me tell you what these anime are.

Both of these anime have some things in common. In the pro side, both appear to have concepts of friendship and love. In the con (or not-so-con-for-me-now) side, they all have bad endings. Not just bad, subtle endings, but the endings where you actually see sharp, stainless steel kitchenware, and liquids actually flying out of people’s bodies — and in different colors too (black and red, take your pick). Both anime have the same number of main female characters. (Although, School Days have more total female characters.)

The difference of the two series are the male protagonists. School Days’ Ito Makoto is a good-natured, but indecisive womanizer, and Higurashi’s Maebara Keiichi is a once-paranoid person that led him to murder his friends. (Thank the eternally repeating June 1983 because that’s the reason why he realized his mistakes.)

And now, the reason. Well, there’s none. There’s no particular reason why, but after watching these, there’s a weird feeling inside me that forces me to look at better things in life. It might be because of those murder/suicide things, but for comparison, these “weird feelings” don’t occur when I watched Death Note. It might be the female characters, but Negima! has enough girls (31, plus several other minor characters, to be exact) for my sensitive eyes to devour on. Probably the concepts of love, but I can just watch Bokura ga Ita so I can cry. Maybe it’s the combination, I don’t know.

These two anime have this weird effect. When I watched the whole first season of Higurashi (composed of 26 episodes), this effect went on for two and a half weeks. School Days, with 12 episodes, six days. This effect that I’m talking about is the change of my state of mind. It just — changes. I feel more composed, and less depressing thoughts are made. Heck, it even made me productive in academics (INTROSE recitations, for example)! Kinda ironic, don’t you think?

The disadvantage is the length of effect, or lack thereof. If there is something (or someone) that can act like a lifetime life-changing object without killing me, then by all means, I’d accept.

Needed: Balance and harmony.

Here’s the thing: My parents gave me a [new] laptop. (I won’t be giving any more “why” details.) It’s mine, since I have full responsibility for it, but with a “shared” condition. Shared - the rest of the family should be able to borrow it, with consent (for the siblings) or without consent (for my parents). It’s unlike the desktop I’m using, where it’s basically off limits to other people. So, there.

For more deeper specs, it’s a Compaq Presario V3700. 14″, Core 2 Duo T5550 (1.83GHz), 160GB drive divided into two partitions (as usual with every new laptop), 1GB RAM, Intel 965 chipset. The [current] average notebook computer. I’m fairly contented with it, well, as long as it only lags barely, just like my desktop.

In other news, Gwen speaks of the truth. Don’t tell until you know what you’re doing. Don’t do anything until I know what you’re doing. I won’t do anything because I don’t know what to do. (Get it? xD)

I think my life’s just not too balanced right now. God’s giving me blessings, for sure - He’s just not putting them at both ends. Yet. Makes sense, right?

My problems.

I’m currently posting this through my iPhone, so bear with me if there are some misspelled words that I’ve overlooked. I just need to put everything out of this heart of mine.

You guys wanna know when and where I mostly do my contemplations (except while blogging)? I do my very serious contemplations at the bathroom, minutes before I go to school. Now, why am I telling you this? To be honest, I have had too many things to think about. Not why I fail in my subjects and give incomplete requirements. It’s why I fail in life in general. Some people might argue that I’m not, but to be honest, I am. I just feel that I’ve done too many mistakes in a given time period. Too many wrong decisions. Too much second thoughts. Sometimes I really feel like a complete idiot.

There are times that I am envy about something or someone. I mean, I look at people at Gokongwei Hall, and it’s pretty obvious that there are people who are happy of their current status. I can’t be any more grateful for them. It’s just that there are these people who constantly give me hope (although indirectly) that I would be able to attain them. But look at me now. I’ve actually waited seven to eight years, trying to find this hope, but no matter how I look at it, the hope’s just not for me. It’s given to someone else instead. Quite the bummer, right? Like what Dumbledore said: It’s almost there, but as soon as it gets closer, it slips away!

Okay, to get this even further: You guys even expect that this hope won’t even come to my occurrence! Come on! You just have to admit your hypocrisy. I mean, if I choose to confess to someone, like Den, would you believe that it’s possible? You’d think it’s not, right? See, the environment speaks for itself! People just don’t want it to happen! Not in a million lifetimes.

Sometimes, it’s quite frustrating to know that it’s not possible, just because they don’t want it to be possible. Might as well apply that to a billion women in the next two generations. Might as well start with this generation.

I did think that 2008 is gonna be a great year for me. Not because of zodiac signs or horoscopes, but my pure instinct. I pass subjects, and I got this iPhone. But that’s it. Nothing else that’s as spectacular as having a computer in your pocket. I was hoping that this would be the year when I change as a person. Like, I was hoping that I would, at least, make my bad habits (tech obsession, for example) deteriorate, if I would have someone to devote my time to. But something tells me that it’s not going to happen — at all.

If only there was a cheat code of sorts that can make me capture the heart of my one true love. But in life, a cheat code isn’t even possible to begin with!

I told you guys in my Multiply days that a person sometimes uses me? Well, I really can’t deny that fact, but I show that as a sign for them to realize. Like, I once said that Den would always let me do the tech stuff, and I consider myself as an *academic advisor.* Well, that’s true , but that’s because I like her. Whatever I’m doing is a sign. A sign that is, unfortunately, taken for granted.

Sometimes, I even think that people think lowly of me, like an outcast, incapable and outright stupid. I can’t believe the world is getting unfair to me. Like, they can be love ld by ANYone, but I feel that I don’t even have the right to love ONE.

Soon enough, the people who I care about the most will most likely forget me. I am insignificant to them. Like, if you’re finding for a needle in a haystack, why find it anyway?

Yeah, that’s probably the bottom line. I AM insignificant.

Requirement elicitation.

From the future me: This is my current “personal” project. If it is successful, you might not see me again [in this Internet world thing].

Words of caution: This blog entry might be a resurrection of a “love-quest” method I’ve made in my Multiply days. I basically cancelled the account for that occurrence. I don’t want another blog going poof for doing something wrong, but I guess I can’t help it now –

Went idle at 11:02PM.

Guys, let’s look at the picture at the left for a while. For some major otakus (probably like the people I often see at the Gokongwei lobby, watching tons of these), or even the not-so obsessed, they’d say that this is Kuchiki Rukia of the Bleach series –

Returned at 11:04PM.

And of course, these people would be correct. But that would not be my case. You see, when I first saw this character (not necessarily this picture), the first place I’ve looked at is not Wikipedia. Or the Anime News Network’s encyclopedia. Instead, I looked at the left of my monitor screen, where my instant messaging contacts are always placed.

Now, look at the picture again. But this time, compare it to your contacts. Look for the closest comparison. See it? Riiight.

See? That’s my problem right there. The only way I can express something sensitive is to remove the “sensitive” part from it. Of course, anyone can say “I love you” that easily, but it becomes difficult when you say it with sensitivity in mind. Like, you’re going through eight to ten sentences of mind-boggling crap, or telling cryptic messages as if you’re asking him/her the answers for your algorithmic homework, until you say those three simple words, or in the worst case scenario, not saying them at all.

I remember that one time when I used to blog about confession plans to Den, producing timelines and what-not. Gwen’s in for it, too, because I told her to. But then, I don’t know why I happened to dial an incorrect mobile number at that time, but it sort of meant to be that way, anyway. (Yeah, I can hear people sarcastically giving me condolences from miles away…)

The only time I said these words (except to my parents, as they are the only ones giving me warmth for seventeen years) was about seven to eight years ago, and after that, it’s as if I feared of it.

But these matters aside - whoever this person is (as I’ve said, not Rukia herself), I love her because of who she is.

Too bad because — Have you ever heard of being “very near, but very far?” Like, hell, I can poke her for all I care, but unless that’ll change her thinking about me, distance (or lack thereof) is useless in itself.

Oh, well, at least I love it when she forces me to follow her to the office for no reason at all. Heheh. Those were the days.